Last week, I had an epiphany. Like all the best revelations, it happened while watching six people being tossed around a banana boat off the coast of Mallorca.
Mindlessly watching six strangers being tossed around a banana boat, I noticed one very important detail – I was watching it mindlessly. The constant, inane voice in my head that worries and obsesses over every detail was gone. For three days, I hadn’t worried if I’d shaved both my legs, if I’d remembered to pack enough knickers or if the plane back to England would forget to pick us up (chance would have been a fine thing).
When I really thought about it, I realised my brain hadn’t been chasing itself in circles for a good couple of days – meaning it had nothing to do with the Margarita I was drinking- and more to do with the fact that, after almost 25 years of trying – I’d finally found my “inner chill”.
I’ll admit, I found it slightly disconcerting at first. My mind has been a broken record for as long as I can remember; stuck on a constant loop of irrational worries and overthinking. I’d describe it as boring, if it weren’t the exact opposite. Tiring? Definitely, but also weirdly comforting.
It’s the thing that keeps me up until three o’clock in the morning worrying about whether I’ll ever have enough savings to buy a house, or if that slight itchy in my left foot is actually an acute tropical disease that will have spread to my entire body by morning. But, there are also times when the constant babble inside my brain also reassures me that I’m “on”. I’m awake. I’m on the ball. I’ve got it covered. My tendency to overthink has put together many university essays and has kept me switch on enough to avoid some pretty tight spots.
I suppose in some ways it’s a kind of self-control. It’s something that, in one sense, makes me feel like I’ve got things “together” and in the same breath drives me up the bloody wall.
Accepting that it’s okay to turn that switch off and live in the morning, felt like I was letting things go. It was comforting and terrifying.
But you know what happened? For that entire week I ate paella, I drank cocktails, I overslept, I danced, I turned off my phone, I read a book, I played crazy-golf and laughed. The world continued to turn. The little people in the banana boat continued to whizz down the coast and, I remembered to shave both my legs. But if I hadn’t? I’ve realised it wouldn’t have been the end of the world. I’m sure Ben would have brought it to my attention eventually…
I’m back home now and pleased to report that the world is still turning. My brain is waking up from its sleepy week in the sun and you know what? I’m ready for it. But, I’m also reminding myself to keep it in check. It’s okay to let go sometimes. Nothing falls apart.